X won’t help me anymore and the outlet broke.  Needed it for sec cam and also the dogs water bowl.  I fixed the fucking thing by myself–in the freezing ass cold–and when there was a complication that could have kept me rewiring all night long–but I figure it out ON MY OWN.




Not sure if anyone follows my other weight loss blog but I’m officially only 7lbs away from not even being considered overweight.  Went from morbidly obese, obese, overweight—and next is normal….7lbs away from “normal”

And my med adjustment I think is finally working–so I’m doing better mentally too.

yep!!!  besides drugs or alcohol this really is the only escape from feeling like more than shit.


The truth behind her frequent desire to sleep.

Source: When Sleeping Is a Way to Cope With Anxiety and Depression | The Mighty


just trying to get through tonight

have i said how tired I am of this?

can i please be done



The singer was in the grip of a deep depression and was suffering panic attacks despite heavy medication, multiple therapies and two stays in psychiatric wards. “Nobody can understand it unless you’ve been there,” the singer, one half of Grammy-winning mother-daughter duo The Judds, tells PEOPLE. During

Source: Naomi Judd Reveals She Suffered from Suicidal Depression – and Is Still Healing

I’m SO not good and I don’t understand why.  I blogged about that pit in my tummy and I still have that but in addition I’m ROYALLY depressed.  I don’t understand WHY because I feel right now like I normally do in the spring but this is NOT my bad season!  Usually I’m doing my best during this time of the year.  However I have nothing to numb my mind.  I’ve been driving people crazy texting them just so I try to keep my brain busy doing something.  Since I’m alone it is nice to talk with other people but other people have a life where I do not.  I just sat here crying for the past 3 hours as I worked on my suicide note.  It’s laughable honestly.  I have this document that stays on my desktop titled “peace.”  When I get super bad I open it up, tweak it, add more of my thoughts, feelings, explanations, wishes etc.  I’m pretty certain if (it is truly hard for me to type “if” instead of “when”) I kill myself I’m the only one who will have a suicide book instead of a suicide note.  Come on–you know that is funny LOL.

Yep, I know I need to call my psychiatrist again……..but honest to God I’m SO fucking sick of this fight.

Here is an excerpt from my letter in which I try to explain that I’m so beyond tired of feeling like this and I need and want everlasting peace.

Since you are reading this, it means I’m dead. It means I’m FINALLY at peace.
Please read that bold sentence 1 million times if you must until you truly understand that. I’ve been in battle with myself ever since I can remember. I have a mental illness; Ive been on what seems a million different meds. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’ve fought and fought to stay alive for other people because I would never want to hurt anyone—ever. A person can only fight so much though. If someone has cancer and they die people are sad but there is a part of them that feels relief that their loved one is no longer suffering. With cancer you are given a path of hope or a path of death; both of which means an end to the hell. With mental illness you are given a life sentence of torture. I found a meme that I’ve never found truer, “Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die.” With cancer you die heroic—“fighting”—which makes no sense. The person has no fucking control over if the chemo will or will not work. That would mean those who die from cancer must not have fought hard enough? Are they quitters then? With depression you die labeled a quitter when in fact I think I’m pretty damn heroic for living the number of years I have feeling like this. I’m a fighter and always have been. There are those who will call me selfish for this act. If you had a dog/cat that was suffering severely and you were encouraged to put your pet down because that is what is best for the pet but you choose to keep that pet alive because of your own desires and needs……THAT is selfish. So truly who is selfish? Me or you?


So let’s say I do what everyone wants and call my psychiatrist and tell him my meds aren’t working–AGAIN.  He will put me something else although the options are running out.  It takes awhile to find a med that works.  Then hope it doesn’t have horrible side effects.  Right now I already have to take a pill to counteract my one antidepressant from making me puke.  Weeks/months go by before everything gets situated again.  It feels like a miracle when life feels livable again.  My mind still doesn’t function like everyone else but again–it is livable.  But I know it is temporary and that is what SUCKS.  Eventually I will be back where I am now.  If you know me…..if you read my blog…..you know it is true.  You have seen me cycle.  It’s an awful thing to deal with.  It’s an awful way to live.  It’s an awful way to feel.  And I’m tired of it.

So after 3 months of harassment from a guy that I knew for merely 3 weeks and a LOT of urging from friends…..I decided to finally follow through on getting a PPO.  Things started to escalate.  No matter what I do he finds a way to reach me.  That was a deciding factor in shutting my home phone off as well.  Also he had responded to a CL ad posted by my GF accusing her of being me.  He will tell me that he wrote me on some dating site that I don’t even belong on.  He is completely obsessed with me for whatever reason.  He thinks we are getting married, he thinks I belong to him, “he has never had such strong feelings for someone.”  I think I was with him in person for a total of 5 times and I had made it CLEAR we were just friends.  But anyways–here are 2 things that really bothered me—I mean he has said a LOT LOT LOT of things that are disturbing—literally 50 pages worth but….

Screen Shot 2016-10-30 at 5.40.24 PM.pngScreen Shot 2016-10-30 at 5.46.09 PM.png



Screen Shot 2016-10-30 at 5.43.24 PM.png


So…..obviously he is stalking my family online too.  Friday I filed a PPO just past 2:00.  I marked NOT an emergency on the form.  That means it goes for a hearing first but I truly felt it wasn’t an emergency cuz he hasn’t shown up at my house yet or anything.  BUT–I guess they felt it was an emergency cuz by 4:30 I got a call from the courthouse telling me the Judge signed and approved it.  And…..the Judge wasn’t even at our courthouse–he or she is located in G town!  I turned in 50 pages of shit not counting the forms you have to fill out.

But…..this is why I didn’t want to file.  I knew it would PISS HIM THE FUCK OFF.  I had told my tenant about the PPO–which he encouraged one long ago.  Then I get a text from him:

“You got his attention, I think I saw him go by around 3 30, he did not stop, just looked in, not 100 percent, but pretty sure, be careful.” 

So all of this has brought about the idea of getting a CCW or whatever it is called so I can carry a concealed gun.  To get a permit for that I believe you have to take classes which I what I want.  I need to learn to shoot one obviously.  The problem is I’ve always been against owning a gun.  I’ve flat out said that I can’t have one.  Not cuz I would harm anyone–I never would unless I felt my life was in danger.  HOWEVER in my depressive episodes I think it would be way to easy to shoot myself–it is quick.  There is a lot less thinking involved than taking pills.  There is way more time with pills–you can swallow a bottle and change your mind and call for help.  There is no calling someone if you shoot your brains out.  So I’m torn.  I’m single.  I’m alone with DD.  People are crazy.  It would be nice knowing I had some form of protection.  But………………..