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DEPRESSED


Lately I have been finding myself truly disgusted with my body.  My mountains of extra skin seems to trigger it and then my thoughts spiral quickly from my skin to everything else that is so wrong.  I see pictures and I see people in person and I can’t help compare my issues with their perfection.  I’ve longed my whole life to have what some are simply born with.  I’m glad I’ve lost weight but it really sucks to still not feel pretty when I’m naked—to actually feel more disgusting honestly.  To still feeling the need to hide.


Not sure if anyone knows but I updated my WLS blog with comparison pics.

X is done helping me with shit around here as of end of this year.  Which is fine.  For some reason I don’t even feel anything except total apathy about it.    Normally I would be totally freaking out but honest to goodness–I don’t give a fuck.  Seriously.

I’ve paid people lots this year to do stuff for me.  Unfortunately it seems I like to pay fix-it people twice for the same job.  Example–I had a guy work on my rental who said he did stuff that he did NOT do.  And the things he did do ALL had to be redone.  How did that happen?  Easy–I wasn’t expecting him to be done and that day when he needed to be paid I was way too sick to walk over there an inspect everything…..and he knew it.  I trusted him and I don’t know why I bother cuz people are fucking asshole scammers.  As it is I also have to have the guy who did the insurance work come back and fix some shit.  It would be most awesome if people would actually do what they say and do a good job.  Because I have a TON of money to rip up I guess I like paying people twice for the same job. Even the carpet the fix-it guy put in my rental—I had to go through hell to get receipts from Menards and then fill out forms and send them asking the company for a refund.  I sent them pictures (the carpet was running!) and I did get approved for a refund but now I have to buy new carpet and pay yet again for someone to install it.  I shouldn’t have to deal with that shit–the fix-it guy should have but that wasn’t going to happen.  After he didn’t bother showing up and I found out his work wasn’t acceptable and he lied to me—I wrote him a long nasty email and fired his ass–although I’m certain he wasn’t coming back anyways–he knows he totally ripped me off and was running off with the money laughing I’m sure.

Only good news is that my tenant does do a great job at things.  He is fixing my rental up bits at a time and it is coming along nicely.  In return though I get no rent :(  We work out prices and then subtract from rent due.  Right now for the next several months I won’t have any income which is fine.  He takes care of the yard great too.  There seems to have been a misunderstanding though cuz he asked me to pay for oil and spark plugs for the snowblower.  That is his bill not mine but he is the best tenant ever so I’m def. not going to argue with him over stupid shit.  Bad news is he won’t do plumbing, electrical or carpet/trim finish.  So I still need to hire another person at some point.  He keeps the garage as tidy as it will ever get, he washes the tractor after he uses it, he keeps the rental clean and works on the things he is comfortable with though.  Other bad news is paying for supplies–ugh.  Oh–and I’ve had a few rental problems –repairs that needed to be taken care of right away (toilet was running all the time etc).  Was a simple part and X was able to figure out how to do it.

There have been a few things tied to the rental which I can’t blog about.  One involves legal shit and the other revolves around trying to get work done by someone who I may have to get a PPO against.  Fun times.  Life isn’t without risks I guess.

I think X said he will still take things (things I sell) to T-town for me.  I’m certain 90% of my sales are from there.  The thing is—I’m done selling.  Ya, you read that right.  I want to sell the shit I have and be done.  I just don’t care anymore.  I’m burnt out and I’m tired.  I have so much shit I need to rid and then I want to rid shit from my house too.  So I guess I’m NOT done selling but I won’t be adding things unless I see something with a huge profit margin that I know will sell right away.  Like I did good on the go-pro cameras.  Picked up on clearance at walmart for like $30.00 each I think and I sell them for $95 and I have 1 left out of 4……not bad.  Last one will sell–not worried about that.

So my health insurance is being tripled starting January.  I’m going to be paying around $350 per month–bhahahahahahaha–what-fucking-ever!  So you think I would be doing the opposite–I should be freaking out between X not helping and my insurance…..normally I would be in “must sell” overdrive.  I’m tired of living in overdrive worrying about shit.  Tired of dealing with X even though he is rarely here anymore….it is still miserable unless other people are here and then he acts human.

Right now I have my propane paid for the winter even knowing that DD will be upstairs (that is going to be a major ice/roof issue).  I have my electric paid up for a year now.  I’m a month ahead on my house payment.  There are just flat out some things I won’t ever have to buy again from my extreme couponing days:  laundry soap, dishwasher soap, pads, toilet paper etc.  Food–I don’t really eat.  My isopure is a killer though but when u consider not really having to buy much food it equals out.  I’m sick of buying food and throwing it away–that sucks.  My birthday month sucks–my house insurance is due and that is over 1K, plus car insurance –another $550 and license renewal/tags etc.  All due that month.  Guess the point is I don’t know how I will do it……but I will.  I do it every fucking year on shit.  I’m feeling I’m ready to gut everything.  I want to get to a point where I can move into a small 1-story home where I just have shit I need—which that is going to take a lot of time.

I won’t be moving from here for awhile–it just doesn’t make sense.  DD’s school is close–walking distance really.  Town is close.  Beautifully scenic looking out my windows.  Dislike this town a LOT.  Dislike my neighbors a LOT.  However it doable–I’ve been here almost 17 fricken years.  T-town rent prices are over 1500+ on average now.  bhahahahahahaha.  Whatever.  My house payment is affordable—well I should say it is definitely affordable in comparison to my other options.  I know the odds are stacked against me.  I know I can’t have a house payment by the time DD graduates.  The thing is I’m good at beating odds and even if I don’t –again–I will make SOMETHING work.  Honestly I’m fucking proud of myself.  I mean my rental got trashed–no rental income.  I was paying for TWO housing bills (2 propane bills, 2 electric, plowing and more) with LESS income.  Yet I survived.  I’m paying on a house that used to take TWO incomes to pay.  ALL my bills are paid every damn month.  I’ve NEVER not once dealt with a collection agency my entire life.  My credit teeters between 780 and 810+ and I’ve done this on my own even with my health and mental health issues.  I think that is something to be proud of since my ex-husband isn’t even capable of paying NOTHING but child support and has filed bankruptcy with 50K in debt.  So although I won’t be adding more shit to sell (besides stuff I have that isn’t listed–shit in my house–whatever)….I know I will be ok.

In the meantime I’m living life.  Been on a lot of dates of which none I’ve been impressed with.  I guess I’m picky which probably means I will forever be alone.  I just feel I’ve busted my fucking ass my entire life.  I don’t feel a guy should walk into my life with nothing and get all the shit I’ve worked for.  I want him to have a good career, a house, and vehicle.  I will NEVER deal with another guy like my X again.  Lesson learned.  I’m looking for an actual MAN–someone capable of making fucking decisions and being the leader.  It would be nice if for the first time in my life I had a rock for once.  Done with immature and irresponsible guys.  To be honest I wish I was a lesbian and could be done with men all together LOL.  Just kidding.  I’m going to be 41 though and the likelihood of me finding anyone compatible ……with what I’m wanting…..probably isn’t going to happen.  I don’t know how my sister does it.  She has always had a guy–always.  I can’t even find anyone worthy of a second date.  I don’t understand how the entire male species can be so fucked up.  I’ve been back on my own now for over 4 years—actually I think this oct will be 5 years.  I don’t mind being on my own but it does get really lonely and depressing at times.  I think we all want to be loved, a shoulder to lean on, a best friend.  Usually when I set out to do something I succeed.  This is one area though that I don’t hold much hope.  I wish I had more guidance in this area.

Anyways……that’s that.

 


“Katie was not bipolar — she had an illness called bipolar disorder”

Source: She ‘loved life:’ A grieving father wrote openly about suicide and mental illness in daughter’s obituary – The Washington Post

RAIN


Temp in the 90’s, humidity high enough to make the air thick enough to choke on.  Just getting home from a long day I settle inside my air conditioned house.  I take off my purposely battered looking jean shorts and blue V-neck T-shirt.  Slipped on a thin knee length summery dress.  Blue in color with tiny printed flowers everywhere.  Shoulder straps maybe the width of 2 fingers at most.   The straps from my very strappy blue bra showing.  My black curly hair is pulled back in a ponytail with some wisps down each side of my face and some escaped wisps in the back.  I look outside and notice it has started to rain.  Rain.  Rain–I used to LOVE the rain.  I step out my backdoor onto the deck and let the very light rain dance on my vulnerable bare skin and dampen my dress.  The coolness, the wetness of each drop feeling so refreshing.  I sat for a short bit in my chair and put my feet up on fire-pit table.  I just sat there–in the rain.  At first I thought–fuck–I’m going to make a huge mess when I walk back in the house.  Closing my eyes, leaning my head back making sure my face is fully exposed to the misting wetness, my feet still up…….letting myself be one with the moment and nothing more.  My makeup, my hair, my clothes, the mess–none of it mattered.  Not now.  I let the rain wash away all my adulthood.  The rain was perfect–absolutely perfect.  Not cold–just right.  I stood up and leaned over the railing letting my ponytail swing to the side allowing the rain to tease my neck.  Harder the rain started to fall.  Standing back up I faced the sky and let nature wrap me completely in her rejuvenating rhythmic beads.  The bottoms of my feet craving what the rest of my body was feeling, I slip my sandals off.  Bliss floods me.  I slowly walk down the saturated steps until my feet are engulfed in cushioning  moist grass.  The blades forcefully filling entirely all empty space between each toe.  I walk down to my daughter’s swing which is supported by 2 trees.  I sit on the swing resting my head against the rubber coated chain inhaling the smell of freshness that only rain can bring.  Digging my toes into the grass and dirt while using my legs to push and pull…..rocking myself back and forth.  Swaying into childhood with simply nature.  Drenched, the rivers run down the naked parts of my skin leaving trails as they trace every curve.  Reaching up, I lightly touch my cheek sliding my hand down the silky wetness gliding down my neck as the rain gathers and drips from my fingers.  My thirsty hair transforms into a heap of tight waterlogged ringlets.  Ringlets hugging each side of my face, a ponytail full of ringlets, ringlets formed from the escaped wisps in the back droop way past my shoulders.  I exit the swing as nature swaddles me in her exhilarating tonic.  My dress like latex against my skin.  I make my way back up the steps, grab my sandals, open the door and enter back into adulthood leaving me with memories of being in the moment.

UPDATED


my surgery blog

I DID IT


ls-2003-frp13_Front.jpg

K, so I have an electric fireplace (the one above) and the stupid effing light doesn’t shut off when u turn the power off which means each time it would have to be unplugged from the wall.  Given that the outlet is behind the media center you can imagine that is ridiculous.  Sooooo–I called the company and they told me what I needed.  The part was like $56.00 or so mailed.  I got it today and decided fuck this shit—I’m NOT going to ask for help and listen to endless bitching.  Sooooo—I took the fireplace apart, got to the control/mother board–which is what had to be replaced.  At first I was so overwhelmed cuz seriously it is a clusterfuck of wires–it freaked me out.  I decided I would take the wires one-by-one and plug them in on the new board.  95% of the wires were impossible to just pull off so I got needle nose pliers.  Only one wire got fucked up—pulled it completely off the end but was able to stick it back in and then just to be safe I got electrical tape and wrapped it around although that probably wasn’t necessary.  The plug for that was the fan so I worried the fan would not work.  Took me a long time and of course I had assistance from DD.  Got the wires hooked to the new board and plugged it in and tested it.  EVERYTHING WORKED.  I was so impressed with myself–like was over the top happy squealing with excitement.  DD and I celebrated LOL.  So then I decided well hell–I have this POS apart I’m going to fix the rest of it.  There were these plastic pieces that were inside against the glass where the fake logs are.  Very visible and always annoyed me–I’m a bit OCD I think.  They fell from the top of the inside.  That meant I had to figure out how to take the glass out which sounds easy but it required taking basically the entire thing apart—which I did.  Got the glass out–cleaned the glass, vacuumed the inside where the logs are and behind it, cleaned the wood encasement and got it all back together–AND IT WORKS.  Only took a zillion hours but I don’t fucking care–DD and I did by ourselves and I’m impressed with both of us.

I wish I would have taken pics of all the wires but here is a picture of the old board I took out……. and every single metal prong sticking up had wires connected to it along with the white things.

 

Oh……and I only got electrocuted once.  LOL.  It wasn’t funny at the time.  I plugged it in to see if it worked and it did but the circuit board wasn’t pinned down to these pegs like it should have been.  Forgetting it was plugged in, I reached down and grabbed the circuit board with my fingers under it and got a good fucking amount of energy zip through my body.  My fingers still tingle.  I HATE THE FEELING OF BEING ELECTROCUTED–HATE IT!  DD freaked out cuz she saw the sparks LOL and my muscles got a dose of involuntary movement –HA.

FUN


Went to the bar to get a taco but it was gross–which I was surprised cuz their food is good.  Then left and went to the casino–ugh.  First time been in forever.  I wish I knew when to walk away but I do NOT.  I had over $150 playing black jack (with help from people at the table).  I played penny machines (got up to $180 and gave it all back) –I was there for quite a long time–probably like 4 1/2 hours.  I’m proud of myself cuz I had conversations with people.  I couldn’t figure out craps and the guy I asked (customer) seemed annoyed with me so I went and played black jack and I learned stuff–like splitting cards and doubling down.  Everyone at that table was so nice and friendly.

I saw an escalator and I was curious what was up there so I took it.  There was a high roller club in there with security.  I peeked in and saw people sitting around this table—no way I was walking my poor ass in there.  That level lead to another escalator so I was like–why not.  I took that and while on it, looked back and there was an employee.  I asked him where I was going LMAO.  He laughed and told me it was entrance for hotel part of casino.  So then I just took the escalators back down and left.  On the way out I saw the 2 guys that helped me at the black jack table so I thanked them.  I’m SO proud of myself–1–going alone, 2–making conversations with people, 3–not being upset I lost money cuz overall it was worth the socializing (I’ve made good money this week with my sales).

I came home about 11:45pm and decided to freshen up and go up to the bar.  I’m feeling really comfortable there.  I don’t know if it’s cuz I basically grew up in a bar but it is cozy in there…..feels homey.  And I’m glad I went.  This old old guy was in there and I’ve seen him there each time I’ve been.  This time he came over and sat at the table next to me–like our chairs were basically touching.  The bar is TINY.  He started talking to me.  He asked if I was from here and so I was telling him the lake I was on.  He said his mom use to live down by me.  Then he tells me they lived by the M (my neighbor from hell) and without giving it a second thought—I just blurt out–I hate that bitch.  Then I stopped and thought–god–watch they are probably friends.  Without waiting I said listen–she has nothing better to do than be in my business.  He laughed and laughed and said yep–a lot of people feel that way about her.  That guy went to school with her!  Told him I wanted to build an 18′ foot fence around my property.  Anyways he introduced me to some people–who I would really call regulars.

This one girl (let’s call her B) that would come to my garage sale all the time –we are FB friends and have talked before—she (B) works up there and she was SSSOOOO drunk.  B tried to drag me to the dance floor as I stumbled through chairs she was trying to pull me through LMAO.  She pulled me up there and I just like—“I feel completely mortified”…..and obviously I’m not going to dance with my shitty ass muscles so she let me sit back down LOL.

The old guy bought me a drink–which was really sweet of him.  Told him he didn’t have to do that.  The one guy he introduced me to (let’s call him J) –I’ve seen him up there before too.  He said that I had to have someone to dance with because the next song was a slow song.  J asked if I had anyone and I said no but that I was perfectly fine.  Well he yells over to this other table on the side of me and asks the guy (let’s call him S) sitting there if he would like to dance with me.  Ok–pretty certain I was going to die.  I’m 100000% sure my face was flushed dark red.  I looked at S and shook my head no–that I was fine and he told  J that yes–he would dance with me.  I glance over at J and give him the look of “I can’t believe u just did that” and he says, “I like for everyone to have fun.”

OMFG.  So sure enough the song comes on quickly and he puts his hand out and I’m about to fucking have a massive anxiety attack.  We go up to the dance floor and I’m thinking–Ok I can do this –it’s slow–I don’t have to do much moving really……I should be ok right?  I’m NOT even sure how to slow dance –I don’t know where to grab him, I don’t know what to do.  I told him, “I think I’m going to die right now.”  LMAO.  Then I said –“I don’t even know what to do.”  I mean seriously–the last time I slow danced was at my fucking wedding.  He basically held my sides –in a nice way–he was NOT overly touchy thank god–he was very much a gentleman.  He just said I had to move LMAO.  And the thing was —HE WAS HOT.  FFS–HOT.  He is talking to me while I’m dancing.  Asking where I’m from, where I moved from originally, if I go up there often, if I have kids etc.  He said my name was pretty.  It was hard to talk over the LOUD music.  We get done and he goes to his table with his friends and I go to my table.  He leaves a short bit later and I watched and realized B knows him.  So I called her over and asked her about him.  She said he is a really good guy–shy and hard to get to open up—but a good guy.  He is actually her husband’s boss.  Has his own house and has his shit together and is single and is looking.  He owns his own business.  I was asked to write my number down and give it to B’s husband who is going to pass it along to S.  I do NOT expect a call at all…..matter of fact if I got a call……..I’m not sure I could ever answer the phone LOL.

J started talking to me and I thought he was with this one girl (K) I always see him with but they are just friends I guess.  J asked if I was single and I said ya.  He asked if I was dating and I told him I’m not currently seeing anyone and that I would like to date a guy who has his shit together.  He was honest and said that wasn’t him–he doesn’t have his shit together— LMAO LMAO LMAO.

It was just nice to actually feel INCLUDED and not left out.  To actually feel part of conversations, activities etc even though I was up there by myself.  Lots of laughing, joking around, and just talking.  I didn’t feel like I was being judged……talked about.  I felt they were sincere and I felt welcomed.  Can’t tell ya last time I felt like that.  Again–this may seem like small shit but this is all HUGE to me.  Tonight was great and I’m going to bed feeling happy.