Source: Woman Brushing Her Hair for the First Time in 4 Weeks Shows Impact of Depression


I have new renters.  New renter moved in just in time–he had to pay for blowing the first day he got here cuz we had a storm.  My old renter got some of his security deposit back but no refund on what he paid ahead for rent and also subtraction of electric I had to pay and other bills that cost me.  Of course he has threatened to take me to court–which is fine–I already knew that was coming–but I HATE it cuz it brings me massive anxiety.

I have to take the guy who was working on my rental to court.  He finished the work thus he was paid but there ended up being a big problem and he came to fix it but then decided not to come back and ignore me.  I did get a letter from the insurance company which said it was a workmanship problem so I shouldn’t have a problem getting my money back to pay someone else to fix it.

I’m not sure if anyone follows my weight loss blog but I do post there every week.  I’m officially in the normal range.  Once my skin gets removed I will probably weigh less than I ever have.  Imagine if I didn’t have lymphedema.  I’m in the 40’s now.


So let me tell you a story about this girl who attempted to bake a pineapple upside-down cake.  She had been craving this for MONTHS.  So she caved into the craving.

First she went online and searched “best pineapple upside-down cake” and up popped a recipe on the betty crocker website.  You know–the damn company known for cake mixes!  And above the list of ingredients it mentioned yellow cake mix and she had always heard that you need yellow cake mix.  So skipping through the recipe she wrote down all the ingredients needed–the ones she knew she didn’t have–including yellow cake mix.  She took her daughter with her to the store and got what was required a few days ahead.

Friday comes along and well…..the forever single and lonely girl decides to do what others may do with no life….bake a cake.  She had never made a pineapple upside-down cake before.  Hell she had not cooked anything or baked anything that required great effort in forever because it wasn’t worth the pain caused from her medical issues.  However she decided to give it a try.

She copied the recipe from her computer to her cell phone.  She felt SO brilliant finding out that the spoon/utensil holder/rest worked perfectly to hold her phone.  She was very careful to check twice before adding ingredients.  She did exactly what the directions said.  Once all the ingredients were accounted for she wondered when the fuck they were going to tell her to add the damn yellow cake mix that she purposely bought for this project.  Reading the entire recipe from top to bottom she finds out it NEVER called for yellow cake mix.  WHAT THE FUCK!  Betty mother fucking crocker=damn cake mix!  She goes back to the computer and realizes that the yellow cake mix mentioned is just some damn random sentence (literally) placed above the ingredients.  “Bake a classic dessert! Buttery rich and caramely pineapple take this yellow cake.”  That was the exact sentence.  She guesses now after reading that again…..that it is meant to be a slam about using the boxed yellow cake mix.  A comma certainly would have helped the interpretation.  And why would they slam a product they sell?  Whatever.

Listen.  Let’s cut the crap.  This girl is me and I’m NOT a “bake from scratch” kind of girl OK.  But it was too late; there was no going back……there would be no yellow cake mix.  So I do what it says putting the melted butter and brown sugar on the bottom of the pan.  Then adding the pineapple.  It said take all the other crap and mix it with an electric mixer for 30 seconds on low and then on high for 3 minutes.  Pfffttt.  I’m not busting out the weigh-as-much-as-a truck kitchenaid mixer.  I can do it by hand.  I start mixing and the shit starts getting harder and harder to mixer.  Back and forth in my head was the following conversation.  “I can do it…..no really I can…..I can just take rests……I CAN DO THIS…….F-U-C-K…..!@(#&(!&($!&@#(&@!(#$&!(@&$!)@&$!)@&  GOD DAMN IT…..THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I CAN DO THIS!”  I have a muscle disease so I’m weak as it is and it didn’t take long to realize I was defeated.

Because I guess I like to complicate things (cuz what the fuck–I have nothing better to do I guess) I decided I was NOT going to pour this “batter” into the bowl actually attached to the mixer.  I mean why dirty another flipping thing.  The sink was half full of shit already.  I THOUGHT I could just hold the bowl and let the mixer do the job.  DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME PEOPLE!  The beater violently jerked the bowl all over like I was on some kind of carnival ride.  I tried desperately to maintain control.  Needless to say some batter ended up in random spots in the kitchen.  But I got it under control for the most part using both hands.  Ok…..ok I got this.  I can hold it with one hand and turn the mixer up…..maybe not to high…..but a bit higher.  Carefully holding the bowl I turn the mixer up a few notches.  I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT–JUST DO NOT DO IT OK!  I had no control.  The bowl was flopping, jerking and basically having a seizure while batter started flying.  It all happened in a matter of seconds but it seemed forever as I tried to quickly turn the mixer back on the lowest speed.  Somehow I still had the bowl in my hand.  Miracles happen.  Ok–so I couldn’t do high speed.  I will just keep it on low speed forever.  That should equal the 3 minutes on high speed right?  Whatever.  The positive thing is the directions say constantly scrape the bowl and I didn’t have to worry about that cuz the sides of the bowl were constantly bouncing off the beater.  Yes, I’m aware that isn’t what they meant by “constantly scraping.”

It was good enough.  It had to be good enough.  First it was annoying cuz you know–u have to spread shit evenly.  Spread the butter, spread the brown sugar blah blah.  Then it says pour batter on pineapple.  I’m thinking…..bitch….you are lucky I even have any batter left to put in this damn pan.

I literally said to myself–“I know why shit takes so long to cook because it takes that long to clean everything up.”  So I got it all cleaned up.  The timer goes off and I realize I need to find something heatproof to put over the pan so I could flip the cake.  Searching.  Searching.  Searching.  Just so you know…..regular sized plates do NOT work.  I thought about maybe a cutting board but I have the flimsy plastic ones.  I got down my cake carrier and I wasn’t sure it melt so I put some tinfoil over it.  That way if it melted at least plastic wouldn’t get into the cake.  Somehow I was able to get the cake flipped over without it ending up on the floor.  Not an easy feat with sliding tin foil.  It said leave the pan on the cake for a few minutes.  So I did.

The end result……..the end result is that I do not belong in a kitchen.  All but 2 pineapple slices stuck to the bottom of the pan.  I was able to scrape them off the bottom and place them in their appropriate distinctive tan lines on the cake.  Unfortunately cuz of my muscle issues it most definitely was NOT worth the resulting pain however I have to that cake was tasty enough to satisfy my craving.

Moral of the story–watch out for random lines mentioning cake mix.  Alright….alright…. probably truthfully the moral should be that I actually read the entire recipe from top to bottom next time.  OR……..better yet……I just avoid that room in my house called the “kitchen.”

PS:  I was carrying a piece of cake back to my desk with a glass of water.  So I put my cell phone on the glass of water cuz I’m lazy and didn’t want to make two trips.  While walking my phone started to slip and as an automatic reflex–I tried to catch it which resulted in dumping the glass of water on myself.  My phone would have been fine hitting the floor but I guess it more important to wash some of the batter off my clothes instead.  Whatever.



X won’t help me anymore and the outlet broke.  Needed it for sec cam and also the dogs water bowl.  I fixed the fucking thing by myself–in the freezing ass cold–and when there was a complication that could have kept me rewiring all night long–but I figure it out ON MY OWN.




Not sure if anyone follows my other weight loss blog but I’m officially only 7lbs away from not even being considered overweight.  Went from morbidly obese, obese, overweight—and next is normal….7lbs away from “normal”

And my med adjustment I think is finally working–so I’m doing better mentally too.

yep!!!  besides drugs or alcohol this really is the only escape from feeling like more than shit.


The truth behind her frequent desire to sleep.

Source: When Sleeping Is a Way to Cope With Anxiety and Depression | The Mighty


just trying to get through tonight

have i said how tired I am of this?

can i please be done