I mean I love having friends but there is always drama at some point and then it just seems not even worth the trouble.  I love getting out but again–same thing.  So here is my latest story.

Friday night my friend Z and I go to the bar after some other plans fell through.  It was CROWDED.  There was a group of guys and one of the guys asked to sit at our table because his table had no room.  We said sure.  He started talking to me and I wasn’t interested and so he started talking to Z.  Z and this guy would get up and go smoke outside when 3 of the guys from the table got up and sat down with me.  One of which was in my personal space and overall I just felt uncomfortable.  They weren’t from around here.  They were construction workers for some insurance company and were up from downstate.  I hate people from downstate–they always think they are better than we are up here.  Anyways I looked over at the bartender and gave him a look of annoyance at the guys at my table.  He went and talked to the bouncer (I didn’t know this) and the bouncer went and found Z and the guy and he told guy if his friends didn’t stop bothering me they would be asked to leave.  So then he kept saying, “thanks for almost getting us kicked out of here.”  I found out later the bartenders didn’t like that group of guys either so it wasn’t just me.  Z really the liked the guy and I could tell they were all fucking losers.  They asked us to come back to the campground where they were staying.  To be honest I’m not sure why we were there–there was a reason but I can’t remember.  Z said she had to piss so she got out and the guy walked with her there.  I waited in Z’s car.  One of the guys then got into the drivers seat and another guy was at my window.  The guy at my window kept asking me to come inside and fuck him and I told him no way over and over again.  I got a sick feeling to my tummy cuz I felt like I was in a bad situation and I didn’t like it.  I kept trying to change the subject.  They told me that Z was having sex with J and accused me of being a cock blocker cuz I kept asking where she was at and wouldn’t go off and fuck them.  Z finally comes back and I tell her that they were saying I was cock blocking and she said I was kinda was!  These guys were fucking losers and I wanted nothing to do with them and I don’t understand why Z was all over it.  She wandered off again –no clue where–I’m still in the car and I mention that I was hungry and the guy in the drivers seat decides to take off with me in Z’s car.  I’m yelling at him to take me back and he just keeps driving.  I have no idea who this guy is or where he is taking me–but he told me to go get food.  Z texts me and asks where the fuck I am and I tell her I have no clue and that the guy wouldn’t take me back.  I figure out where I’m at and then tell Z.  She demanded he go to the shell gas station–where J took Z to meet us there.  The guy that is driving goes around the block and reluctantly goes to the shell after telling me he has no license, had been drinking and has stole cars before.  Z starts yelling at him and then she gets in and J follows in his car and she takes me to my car.  I get out of Z’s car and J gets in Z’s car.  I look at him and I tell him, “So help me god if you hurt her, I will fucking kill you.”  And blah blah blah.  Then I left and I told Z to text me when she got home so I could know she was ok.  Now this isn’t the first time I’ve had her back.  Long story but there was this one creeper and he followed Z out of the bar so I followed him and I told him to fucking leave.  Z had been freaked out by him.  He did leave –I wouldn’t even let him talk.  I just pointed at him and told him to shut the fuck up and leave now.

So…..next day…..saturday…..one of the guys in the group had asked me if I wanted to go on a real date.  I told him I’m not fucking him and he said he didn’t want that–he wanted to know me.  So he texted me and asked about that date.  I said ok but–I wanted to do a double date –I wanted Z to come which meant J would be there as her date.  I didn’t want to go alone.  So a double date it was……..at least it was supposed to be.  After going back and forth on texts and me telling him I wasn’t fucking going to the damn campground to hang around—that he asked me on date and I was starving and we needed to do what was originally stated.  He kept asking about pot too.  By this time I was fucking annoyed.  I texted him and told him to forget it–that I was going up to the local bar–I was done with the games.  I told Z what I was doing and why.  Half hour later she met me up there and the guy texted and apologized.  I was starving so I told Z I was going to go to the restaurant and get something to eat.  She came with.  The guy said he would meet us up there.  They arrive and there is another couple–a girl and some guy.  So my date has went from what should have been a single date, to a double date (cuz I wanted that) to a triple date (which I had no clue another couple was coming).  My “date” was sitting on the phone arguing with his WIFE.  I asked if he was divorced and nope.  And that they have done this separation thing a lot and I guess in the past get back together.  He has no license, has court for felony shit (I don’t even remember what he said) but it was like 4 charges and has an alcohol tether.  Ok–ya–NOT MY TYPE OF GUY!

After we eat some of the guys were saying they wanted to go to the casino in P town which is an hour away.  I guess there is a dance club there–which would be really cool to check out.  However there was a big huge problem.  My muscles were KILLING me that day—no way I could drive–no way I could drive go to the club and remotely try to drive back–it wouldn’t happen.  I was grouchy and had no patience for these no good guys cuz I was so hurting.  But again–Z was infatuated with the one guy and told me flat out she was totally going to fuck him.  Although I did NOT like the guys –I certainly did NOT want to fuck them……nor date them…..however I also did NOT want to be left out.  I wanted to go have fun.  I mean the whole fucking night started with ME–it was suppose to be a date and then I asked to do a double date.  I told them I wanted to go but there was no way I could drive.  There was 6 people and only 5 could fit in one car.  Z refused to drive and just automatically said she was going with them.  I guess she was entitled to go cuz J–the guy she was crushing on–he was the driver of the car.  So I just said I was going to the local bar.  My “date” said he would come with me.  Then they all decided to just go to the bar and I felt bad at first cuz I thought everyone changed their mind and it was my fault cuz I couldn’t drive.  HOWEVER we get to the bar and then they say they were leaving for the casino.  I was like WTF confused like why they were at the bar then and when I told J I was confused he was just an ass.  My “date” said he would stay at the bar with me and I asked how he would get home.  He said I could take him.  I didn’t want to take him home.  I didn’t want to be alone in the car driving to that campground.  Then he said he could stay at my house and again–I said no.  I told him he better let his friends know he needed to go with them.  He was not happy and neither was I.  I couldn’t believe my friend was leaving me and running off with a bunch of idiots.  Guys come and go and a friend shouldn’t dump you just for cock.  I was so hurt.  I would have never done that.  If she wasn’t able to go and I could for some reason–I wouldn’t have gone–PERIOD.  Plus with the amount of people they had at camp I’m certain something could have been figured out.  However cuz of my muscle issues and their lack of giving a fuck and trying to figure out a way for us all to go……I was left behind.  And I was angry at my body.  And angry at my friend.  I fully planned on getting drunk and I asked this one guy at the bar if he would take me home if I got drunk.  This guy is a regular at the bar.  He is harmless.  Everyone knows him.  He is very social–reminds me of my uncle J who passed away…..the personality.  I knew I could leave my car at the bar and get it when X came to drop DD off the next day if someone would take me home.  I was talking to the guy and told him why I was pissed.  He said, “you want to go–lets go–I will totally take you to the casino dance club.”  I told him no that was ok and he really insisted on it.  I went and talked with my one friend who I’ve known long time–she is bartender up there.  I know this guy but I wanted other opinions –I mean I would be driving alone with this guy LOL.  I explained the situation and she said the guy was absolutely harmless and she fully trusts him.  The other bartenders said same thing.  So I was like fuck it–let’s go.  He had a license–even though he rode a bike cuz he was close to town.  He drove SO slow–but perfect LOL.  I got a text from Z asking if I was ok and the guy said, “don’t you dare tell them u are coming–we will just show up…..fuck them.”  So I told her I was fine and asked if she was at the casino and she said ya.  So then we get up there and the club is really awesome.  Reminds me of something downstate.  Lots of people dancing and drinking and just having fun.  I saw Z and I didn’t say anything.  Oh–and the guy that drove me paid for both our cover charges and he didn’t even stay to dance!  He asked if I was ok and he said he would check on me–he gave me his cell number and he went to gamble–which was perfect cuz you know–I’m single and I didn’t want anyone to think I was with someone LOL.  Z finally saw me and she said, “I’m so glad you decided to come.”  Ugh–that made me so pissed.  I told her, “I told you I wanted to go…..I told you I couldn’t drive.”  She and her guy were all trying to be nice to me and I was polite but made no conversation with them.  I went and got drinks.  I went down the ramp onto the dance floor.  I can’t dance u know–like not dance dance.  I barely move LMAO.  I kinda like just move my feet back and forth a bit and sway.  I danced to one song.  Then sat and rested good while.  Then this guy next to me–went and danced with him.  We were both laughing so hard.  He said he doesn’t dance and he doesn’t know what he is doing and I said good neither do I LOL.  He were both pretty drunk and he said this was so outside his box and I said ya–me too but you only live once right LOL.  So we faked like we knew what we were doing bahahahaha.  That was actually the last song for the night.  Club closed.  I walked out and Z wandered off somewhere –no clue–didn’t ask–didn’t care.  I was feeling nothing LOL…..I walked a short bit and saw this slot machine.  Put $20.00 into this penny machine and like the first few clicks I won like $300.  I had NO clue what I was doing–I asked this guy if that was actually dollars LMAO.  I played a few different machines and then I went and played black jack but the tables were closing so only a few hands.  I saw the guy I was with a few times–he would come check on me.  He was so awesome.  I showed him how much I won and he took it cashed it out and told me to pocket some and he let me have the rest to play with.  I dropped my wallet and everything fell out–he picked it all up.  Oh and I found out…..they let me take a drink out of the club but I was drinking it at the slot machine and an employee came to me and told me he needed my drink cuz it was after time of serving alcohol I guess.  I was like oh no no no–U can’t have this–I paid for it–so he was patient and let me drink it rather quickly LOL.  Anyways–by the time we left it was like 5:30am or something and I left more than $100 ahead and that is including paying for my drinks!  So I got paid to have fun LOL.  We got back to K town around 6:30am and we decided we were hungry so we drove to another town to this restaurant I had never been to before.  They opened at 7:00 and he bought me breakfast.  Then we went and got his bike and then he took me home and he rode his bike home–it was pretty nice out this AM.  Overall I had a great great night……even after being dumped by my friend.

Oh oh oh…….funny side note—the guy that drove me……..was in prison for like 24 years!  Armed robbery here in K-town.  I KNOW I KNOW–I’M SURROUNDED BY CRIMINALS LOL.  (The other group of guys (that Z was with) were still making bad choices, they were assholes and my gut was saying–stay the fuck away.)  Some boyfriend beat the crap of his cousin and he didn’t have a vehicle to get downstate so…….he drove to a gas station–tied the clerks up, stole beer and cigs and a truck.  Drove downstate, beat the shit of the guy, burned the truck and then got caught.  He has been out of prison for 4 years but I swear to goodness–you would never know.  Everyone else knows cuz it is a small town.  I asked him, “aren’t you embarrassed to show your face in this small town then?”  He said nope.  Everyone knows and he did his time.  He is genuinely a nice guy (per everyone I talk with too) and I told him I was surprised cuz I figured he would be a hardened asshole after 24 years.  He said that everyone thinks that.  He said it is bad in prison–whole different set of life rules in there that don’t apply in the real world.  He has a job.  He works hard.  He is 10 years older than I am.  Although he is nice–he is totally not datable…..not for me anyways.  However I would totally let him take me to the club again though.  He was more of a friend to me that night than my girl friend.  She texted me today and I haven’t wrote her back.  I don’t know what to even say.  I really hate that crap.

Let’s see.  I have no home care worker.  I was getting ready to fire her anyways but she just like vanished knowing she owes me money–fucking hell that pisses me off.  She won’t return calls or anything.  Whatever

My health insurance is increasing–my medigap insurance which I can ONLY get through BCBS is going from $122 to like $350 per month.  On top of that I don’t know if I will qualify anymore for the medicare monthly premium help–which means I would pay another $100 and something per month…..PLUS I don’t know if I will qualify for the drug prescription help either.  Add all that up and well…..I can’t afford health insurance and yet will go bankrupt without it.

Cell phone–got that down to $67 per month minus 20.00 I was paying for landline so any extra $47 per month but minus no homeworker and I’m fine in that dept.

I HATE October.  My house insurance which is over 1K is due and my car insurance which is over $500 is due.

Trying to sell off what I have but I’m SOOOOOOO not motivated to list shit on other sites and do the tedious annoying work.  I don’t know why–I’m just not.  I don’t even look at deal sites hardly ever anymore.  I’m so over it all I guess.  I’ve done it so long–I’m just done but I feel it is not a time to be done cuz bills are going up–however it is never time and really I just don’t feel it is worth it anymore.  Plus I can’t really keep selling/buying anyways….see next paragraph.

X will no longer be here by the end of this year.  He will be picking DD up from school on a certain day and then just dropping her off on a certain day here at home.  This is LONG overdue.  I should write about the horror story of attending DD’s open house before the school year started.  Actually there have been so many issues between my last rant about him and now that I could write a book on that alone.  I stopped blogging about it cuz it makes no difference.  I seriously can’t deal with him–never could but mentally I’m all apathy now and I really don’t give a fuck what will or won’t get done without him.  I don’t know how I will do it…….and lucky (???) for me I don’t give a crap.  Mentally I will be so much better off without him around even though unfortunately I’m stuck dealing with him in regards to DD.

I’m trying to have a life and I have found out having a life is costly.  Going out, meeting people, doing things…..it all takes money.  And it is all exhausting!

My tenant–he is awesome but bad news is he gets help with DHS and therefore that has made a HUGE messy problem.

Oh–and the dogs.  They are going bye-bye.  I’m heartbroken cuz they really are good dogs but they are neglected.  DD doesn’t pet them or take care of them yet she volunteers for rescue dogs—*eye roll*.  And X–he doesn’t hold up his end of the deal.  The dogs don’t see the vet when they need it, they don’t get baths (and they are FILTHY) and anytime he has to buy dog food all he does is bitch endlessly and I’m DONE.  One less thing to rely on him about.  I haven’t allowed the dogs inside all summer long.  They have tons of shade, and doghouses and I make sure they have fresh water and food every day.  But they track too much dirt and fur inside the house and I can’t do it.  I can’t keep up after them and I’m done hearing all the promises which lead to me begging and pleading.  And guess who is the bad guy cuz the dogs are going?  ME!  Excuse me for caring enough about them to make sure they are actually taken care of.  And….without dealing with emotional abuse on top of it.

AND…….speaking of increasing bills…….my house payment is going up $100 starting the first of the year.  Have I told you how much I hate 2017 and it isn’t even here yet!  I got a notice that my house payment is going up from $666 (yes for real–which is perfect number for a house payment honesty cuz it is hell paying it) to $700 and something cuz of some shortage and they have to collect or what fucking ever.

Mental health–I’m not sure what is happening to me.  I get this feeling of ……ya know–I can’t even put it into words exactly.  It is like massive anxiety–but a severely icky feeling.  Almost like when u get scared and u get that pit in your tummy that something is very wrong–and that isn’t exactly a great description.  Only mine stays–there is no let up and it even keeps me from sleeping.  It is this worst feeling ever—and at points you will do anything to make it stop.  Honestly I would rather feel depressed and cry all day than to feel that.  I called the psychiatrist and told them I could NOT deal with it anymore seriously.  They got me right in.  In the past all my antidepressants have had an anxiety component to them but they haven’t for awhile now because I’m on meds for bipolar and not regular depression.  So he gave me a script for Klonpin.  I took 1 and haven’t taken anymore.  It knocked me right out.  It is calming but I see absolutely no difference between that and smoking pot–seriously.  However I didn’t want to smoke pot everyday……and I don’t because I don’t like being tired all the time plus sometimes I just feel really weird in a way that I don’t particularly care for (same with klonopin).  Plus I don’t want it around DD.  I’m already tired.  I do NOT need to be more tired nor feeling more weird.  It has calmed down a bit but I notice it spikes tremendously when DD isn’t here and I have nothing to do.  I feel like a total loser I guess but instead of coming out in depressive ways–it is like it is coming out in a panic for some fucked up reason.  Hence the reason I’ve been going out every single day she is at her dads even when I physically feel like I will die cuz of my muscle issues.  I will even go on dates with guys who I know I have no interest in–cuz I need to do something–to feel like a human.  I want a job.  I miss working.  I try to think of a job I can do where I do not have to be dependable nor stand or walk for long periods.  AND OMG–while writing this I just realized something………Possible reason for the icky feeling—-my mind is left idle for the first time since…….fuck……I don’t know….probably a very young kid.  What I mean is that I’ve always been extreme at things.  When I worked–I worked a LOT.  I went to college.  I always always was on the go and busy.  When I got sick–I created a business.  I lived and breathed deals–for real.  I’ve never done things like a “normal” person–always extreme.  I mean who the fuck has a store in their garage?  LMAO.  Yes I had to do it honestly–but still–it kept my mind insanely busy.  Until as of late I would read deal sites and list crap and blah blah–I would keep my mind busy with shit–always always busy.  AND omg–I get relief like when I’m texting someone or talking with someone or doing something or going somewhere ……FEELING PRODUCTIVE/USEFUL OR THAT I HAVE A LIFE, WORTHY.  Even when my body is saying no no no no no.  That has to be IT.  My mind can’t handle being idle but it has to be cuz I can’t keep going!  I want to rid things.  I want to downsize shit.  I want to get things in a position where I don’t need help.  Like my garage–FFS–it’s piled with crap–it is overwhelming.  Physically my body can’t do what my mind wants to do and my mind is losing it.  I was earning money through SL but I got SO burnt out and was sick of dealing with people.  I was blogging but felt like I just bitched about the same shit.    I was selling shit and doing deals but I need to sell the shit I already have so I don’t lose money.  And this is why I should blog—it helps me realize things!  To think about things logically.  It isn’t healthy to do things in such extreme ways all the time.  My brain needs to realize that it is ok to be idle.  IT IS OK TO JUST BE.  Doesn’t mean I’m a loser.  I’m dealt a shitty hand and I’m doing the best I can.  Plus my motivation for whatever reason is just not there.  It left without me LOL.  Also–although my mind obviously can’t be idle it certainly doesn’t function enough to be helpful in doing things.  My friend–she has seen this first hand.  My brain does NOT work right.  I can see someone and then see them the next day and have no clue who they are.  She keeps shit together and will be like –“FFS are you sure u are ok.”  LMAO.  My brain doesn’t process or focus like it did before I got sick.  They call it brain fog……I call it fucking frustration.

Anyways–it is late.  I need sleep.  I have a doctors apt tomorrow–ugh.



My house insurance is $1029.00 for the year.

So I applied for a credit card that when I spend $500 in the first 60 days they will give me $200.00 in a statement credit.  Sounds good to me.  Applied and got a approved of course cuz I pay my fucking bills.

So that will bring my insurance down to $829

Thinking outside the box.


Lately I have been finding myself truly disgusted with my body.  My mountains of extra skin seems to trigger it and then my thoughts spiral quickly from my skin to everything else that is so wrong.  I see pictures and I see people in person and I can’t help compare my issues with their perfection.  I’ve longed my whole life to have what some are simply born with.  I’m glad I’ve lost weight but it really sucks to still not feel pretty when I’m naked—to actually feel more disgusting honestly.  To still feeling the need to hide.

Not sure if anyone knows but I updated my WLS blog with comparison pics.

X is done helping me with shit around here as of end of this year.  Which is fine.  For some reason I don’t even feel anything except total apathy about it.    Normally I would be totally freaking out but honest to goodness–I don’t give a fuck.  Seriously.

I’ve paid people lots this year to do stuff for me.  Unfortunately it seems I like to pay fix-it people twice for the same job.  Example–I had a guy work on my rental who said he did stuff that he did NOT do.  And the things he did do ALL had to be redone.  How did that happen?  Easy–I wasn’t expecting him to be done and that day when he needed to be paid I was way too sick to walk over there an inspect everything…..and he knew it.  I trusted him and I don’t know why I bother cuz people are fucking asshole scammers.  As it is I also have to have the guy who did the insurance work come back and fix some shit.  It would be most awesome if people would actually do what they say and do a good job.  Because I have a TON of money to rip up I guess I like paying people twice for the same job. Even the carpet the fix-it guy put in my rental—I had to go through hell to get receipts from Menards and then fill out forms and send them asking the company for a refund.  I sent them pictures (the carpet was running!) and I did get approved for a refund but now I have to buy new carpet and pay yet again for someone to install it.  I shouldn’t have to deal with that shit–the fix-it guy should have but that wasn’t going to happen.  After he didn’t bother showing up and I found out his work wasn’t acceptable and he lied to me—I wrote him a long nasty email and fired his ass–although I’m certain he wasn’t coming back anyways–he knows he totally ripped me off and was running off with the money laughing I’m sure.

Only good news is that my tenant does do a great job at things.  He is fixing my rental up bits at a time and it is coming along nicely.  In return though I get no rent :(  We work out prices and then subtract from rent due.  Right now for the next several months I won’t have any income which is fine.  He takes care of the yard great too.  There seems to have been a misunderstanding though cuz he asked me to pay for oil and spark plugs for the snowblower.  That is his bill not mine but he is the best tenant ever so I’m def. not going to argue with him over stupid shit.  Bad news is he won’t do plumbing, electrical or carpet/trim finish.  So I still need to hire another person at some point.  He keeps the garage as tidy as it will ever get, he washes the tractor after he uses it, he keeps the rental clean and works on the things he is comfortable with though.  Other bad news is paying for supplies–ugh.  Oh–and I’ve had a few rental problems –repairs that needed to be taken care of right away (toilet was running all the time etc).  Was a simple part and X was able to figure out how to do it.

There have been a few things tied to the rental which I can’t blog about.  One involves legal shit and the other revolves around trying to get work done by someone who I may have to get a PPO against.  Fun times.  Life isn’t without risks I guess.

I think X said he will still take things (things I sell) to T-town for me.  I’m certain 90% of my sales are from there.  The thing is—I’m done selling.  Ya, you read that right.  I want to sell the shit I have and be done.  I just don’t care anymore.  I’m burnt out and I’m tired.  I have so much shit I need to rid and then I want to rid shit from my house too.  So I guess I’m NOT done selling but I won’t be adding things unless I see something with a huge profit margin that I know will sell right away.  Like I did good on the go-pro cameras.  Picked up on clearance at walmart for like $30.00 each I think and I sell them for $95 and I have 1 left out of 4……not bad.  Last one will sell–not worried about that.

So my health insurance is being tripled starting January.  I’m going to be paying around $350 per month–bhahahahahahaha–what-fucking-ever!  So you think I would be doing the opposite–I should be freaking out between X not helping and my insurance…..normally I would be in “must sell” overdrive.  I’m tired of living in overdrive worrying about shit.  Tired of dealing with X even though he is rarely here anymore….it is still miserable unless other people are here and then he acts human.

Right now I have my propane paid for the winter even knowing that DD will be upstairs (that is going to be a major ice/roof issue).  I have my electric paid up for a year now.  I’m a month ahead on my house payment.  There are just flat out some things I won’t ever have to buy again from my extreme couponing days:  laundry soap, dishwasher soap, pads, toilet paper etc.  Food–I don’t really eat.  My isopure is a killer though but when u consider not really having to buy much food it equals out.  I’m sick of buying food and throwing it away–that sucks.  My birthday month sucks–my house insurance is due and that is over 1K, plus car insurance –another $550 and license renewal/tags etc.  All due that month.  Guess the point is I don’t know how I will do it……but I will.  I do it every fucking year on shit.  I’m feeling I’m ready to gut everything.  I want to get to a point where I can move into a small 1-story home where I just have shit I need—which that is going to take a lot of time.

I won’t be moving from here for awhile–it just doesn’t make sense.  DD’s school is close–walking distance really.  Town is close.  Beautifully scenic looking out my windows.  Dislike this town a LOT.  Dislike my neighbors a LOT.  However it doable–I’ve been here almost 17 fricken years.  T-town rent prices are over 1500+ on average now.  bhahahahahahaha.  Whatever.  My house payment is affordable—well I should say it is definitely affordable in comparison to my other options.  I know the odds are stacked against me.  I know I can’t have a house payment by the time DD graduates.  The thing is I’m good at beating odds and even if I don’t –again–I will make SOMETHING work.  Honestly I’m fucking proud of myself.  I mean my rental got trashed–no rental income.  I was paying for TWO housing bills (2 propane bills, 2 electric, plowing and more) with LESS income.  Yet I survived.  I’m paying on a house that used to take TWO incomes to pay.  ALL my bills are paid every damn month.  I’ve NEVER not once dealt with a collection agency my entire life.  My credit teeters between 780 and 810+ and I’ve done this on my own even with my health and mental health issues.  I think that is something to be proud of since my ex-husband isn’t even capable of paying NOTHING but child support and has filed bankruptcy with 50K in debt.  So although I won’t be adding more shit to sell (besides stuff I have that isn’t listed–shit in my house–whatever)….I know I will be ok.

In the meantime I’m living life.  Been on a lot of dates of which none I’ve been impressed with.  I guess I’m picky which probably means I will forever be alone.  I just feel I’ve busted my fucking ass my entire life.  I don’t feel a guy should walk into my life with nothing and get all the shit I’ve worked for.  I want him to have a good career, a house, and vehicle.  I will NEVER deal with another guy like my X again.  Lesson learned.  I’m looking for an actual MAN–someone capable of making fucking decisions and being the leader.  It would be nice if for the first time in my life I had a rock for once.  Done with immature and irresponsible guys.  To be honest I wish I was a lesbian and could be done with men all together LOL.  Just kidding.  I’m going to be 41 though and the likelihood of me finding anyone compatible ……with what I’m wanting…..probably isn’t going to happen.  I don’t know how my sister does it.  She has always had a guy–always.  I can’t even find anyone worthy of a second date.  I don’t understand how the entire male species can be so fucked up.  I’ve been back on my own now for over 4 years—actually I think this oct will be 5 years.  I don’t mind being on my own but it does get really lonely and depressing at times.  I think we all want to be loved, a shoulder to lean on, a best friend.  Usually when I set out to do something I succeed.  This is one area though that I don’t hold much hope.  I wish I had more guidance in this area.

Anyways……that’s that.


“Katie was not bipolar — she had an illness called bipolar disorder”

Source: She ‘loved life:’ A grieving father wrote openly about suicide and mental illness in daughter’s obituary – The Washington Post


Temp in the 90’s, humidity high enough to make the air thick enough to choke on.  Just getting home from a long day I settle inside my air conditioned house.  I take off my purposely battered looking jean shorts and blue V-neck T-shirt.  Slipped on a thin knee length summery dress.  Blue in color with tiny printed flowers everywhere.  Shoulder straps maybe the width of 2 fingers at most.   The straps from my very strappy blue bra showing.  My black curly hair is pulled back in a ponytail with some wisps down each side of my face and some escaped wisps in the back.  I look outside and notice it has started to rain.  Rain.  Rain–I used to LOVE the rain.  I step out my backdoor onto the deck and let the very light rain dance on my vulnerable bare skin and dampen my dress.  The coolness, the wetness of each drop feeling so refreshing.  I sat for a short bit in my chair and put my feet up on fire-pit table.  I just sat there–in the rain.  At first I thought–fuck–I’m going to make a huge mess when I walk back in the house.  Closing my eyes, leaning my head back making sure my face is fully exposed to the misting wetness, my feet still up…….letting myself be one with the moment and nothing more.  My makeup, my hair, my clothes, the mess–none of it mattered.  Not now.  I let the rain wash away all my adulthood.  The rain was perfect–absolutely perfect.  Not cold–just right.  I stood up and leaned over the railing letting my ponytail swing to the side allowing the rain to tease my neck.  Harder the rain started to fall.  Standing back up I faced the sky and let nature wrap me completely in her rejuvenating rhythmic beads.  The bottoms of my feet craving what the rest of my body was feeling, I slip my sandals off.  Bliss floods me.  I slowly walk down the saturated steps until my feet are engulfed in cushioning  moist grass.  The blades forcefully filling entirely all empty space between each toe.  I walk down to my daughter’s swing which is supported by 2 trees.  I sit on the swing resting my head against the rubber coated chain inhaling the smell of freshness that only rain can bring.  Digging my toes into the grass and dirt while using my legs to push and pull…..rocking myself back and forth.  Swaying into childhood with simply nature.  Drenched, the rivers run down the naked parts of my skin leaving trails as they trace every curve.  Reaching up, I lightly touch my cheek sliding my hand down the silky wetness gliding down my neck as the rain gathers and drips from my fingers.  My thirsty hair transforms into a heap of tight waterlogged ringlets.  Ringlets hugging each side of my face, a ponytail full of ringlets, ringlets formed from the escaped wisps in the back droop way past my shoulders.  I exit the swing as nature swaddles me in her exhilarating tonic.  My dress like latex against my skin.  I make my way back up the steps, grab my sandals, open the door and enter back into adulthood leaving me with memories of being in the moment.